As I Am Page 10

  “Darnell, call me if you need to talk. But whatever you do, please don’t mention this conversation to your mom yet. She is not ready!”

  “Wow, G-Ma, I was going to ask you to do the same thing.”

  “Great minds think alike,” she said, smiling.

  G-Ma got back into the driver seat and pulled off. I could hear her yelling as she drove down the street, “Young man come here!” out the window.

  I knew that G-Ma was introducing herself to Toe. However, I had no worries. I went into the house and let them introduce themselves. About ten minutes later, Toe knocked on the door. Mom answered it.

  “Mrs. Smith, may I please see Darnell?” Toe said, begging.

  I heard it was Toe at the door. “Mom, I’m going to nap. I’m not going outside,” I yelled from my bedroom. However, I did tip-toe to the corner and listened to their conversation.

  “Toe, he just got in from church. I’ll have him to call you when he gets up.”

  “OK, Mrs. Smith, can you tell him that it’s important, and I haven’t talked to him in weeks?”

  “Toe, are you OK?” Mom said as she noticed that his features had changed. No longer was he smiling, his hair seemed to be extraordinarily long, and he had little razor stubbles on his face. He was not the guy that she had seen just a few weeks ago.

  “Yes, ma’am, I’m OK,” Toe said, responding.

  “OK, I will tell Darnell to call you. Please let me know if you need anything?” Mom said.

  “Thank you!” Toe said.

  I wanted to run from around the corner and hug Toe, but then I thought I better not, well at least not yet. Mom and Toe ended their conversation, and my mother came into my room. “Darnell, you should call him. He doesn’t look good.” I turned over on my side, signifying that I did not want to discuss Toe. As Mom left the room, I thought about Toe and that kiss. I could feel my nature start to rise, then for the first time, I thought, is it OK to be gay, and God loves me no matter what. I smiled to myself. Sweet dreams.

  Chapter Thirteen

  Finally, it was my day to see Dr. Blackmon! I couldn’t wait for my appointment. I elected not to meet with Dr. Moore because I saw no real need. G-Ma said the only reason he wanted to talk is to meddle in other people’s business. She asserted that Dr. Moore is worse than some old churchwoman gossiping.

  My appointment time with Dr. Blackmon was at 1 p.m. I had free time to mosey around the apartment until we had to leave. Over the last few days, I thought about Toe, the kiss, what Dr. Moore preached about, his “Adam and Eve not Adam and Steve” comment, and G-Ma’s conversation in the bathroom. To be honest, I had often touched myself thinking about that moment. I had no friends. Who can I talk to about what I’m feeling? Who would listen to my concerns? I had barricaded myself in the house, now I didn’t have anyone to talk to. God, I wanted to change and get rid of these homosexual thoughts and feelings, but I just didn’t know how. Why does my past confine me? G-Ma said that sometimes if the boat is sinking, you have to jump off to save yourself. When you do, you will notice that help may be closer than you think. Finally, no more hiding; it was time for me to put my big boy pants on and tell Dr. Blackmon about my same-sex attraction. I summoned my brother to take me to Dr. Blackmon’s office for a session.

  “Good afternoon Dr. Blackmon,” I said, as I extend my hand to greet him.

  “Well, hello Darnell, how are you doing today? I understand that you tried to see me last week. How are you feeling today?”

  “Doc, I am much better today now that I am here with you,” I said, exhaling.

  “Great, let’s go ahead and get your session started. Take your time and tell me what’s going on, Darnell.”

  I said to myself, How do I ask him if I’m gay? I know that he can give me a psychological perspective regarding the thoughts and ideas that I feel, but can he tell me that I’m gay? Do I convey to him about Toe, Theresa, the dreams, and most importantly the kiss? “Dr. Blackmon, am I a tambourine player?”

  Dr. Blackmon laughed. “What is a tambourine player? Please en­lighten me.”

  I motioned my hand back and forth, swerving from the left to the right in a seesaw motion. “You know, Dr. Blackmon, a little bent or someone who goes both ways.”

  “Oh, you want to know if you’re homosexual?”

  “Well . . .” I pause for a few moments. “. . . yes, sir.”

  “Well, before I give you a definitive answer, what makes you think that you are a ‘tambourine player?’” he asked, using air quotes.

  “At our last session, I informed you that I met a guy named Toe. Well, over the last few weeks, we have become perfect friends. We’ve been hanging out with each other every day, and when we’re not together, we are calling each other.”

  “Darnell, that doesn’t make you gay. Do you have sexual fantasies or desires to be with Toe?”

  “Not at first, but that changed after he kissed me.”

  “Did I hear you correctly? Did you say that Toe kissed you?” Dr. Blackmon asked, leaning forward in his chair.

  “Yes, sir, he kissed me on the lips. We were at the mall, and someone had a gun. I spazzed out, and we all ran into the bathroom. Toe, try to get my attention, when I didn’t respond, he kissed me.”

  “How did that make you feel?”

  “I pushed him away. Otherwise, I would have popped him in his mouth. But I did that earlier that day.”

  “You hit Toe in the mouth?”

  “Yes sir, we were in the car heading into the mall. I was overwhelmed by the size of the crowd. Again, I went into a transit state of mind. He grabbed me by the leg, trying to snap me out of my trance, and I popped him in his face. I felt sorry about it.”

  “What did Toe say?”

  “He was furious. He wanted to beat me up. But he didn’t. I explained my past trauma with my dad, and then I was apologetic. He ultimately forgave me. I pulled myself together, and we went into the mall.”

  “How are you and Toe doing now?”

  “Well, honestly, I haven’t talked to him in over a week. I don’t want to be gay because that population faces discrimination. It’s hard to find a committed partner. If you do find the relationship, they typically don’t last longer than five years in black communities. Plus, when I was younger, my dad and mom beat the piss out of me for being gay.”

  “Good research, Darnell, but you can’t base your decision from fear. The heterosexual community has the same results. It’s OK to enlist in a relationship. However, it’s not OK not to join a relationship based on a fear that the relationship is not going to last. Don’t forget that there are benefits to a healthy relationship. However, because a young man kissed you without your permission, that does not make you gay. Let’s look at some empirical scientific data. According to the American Psychological Association, a person’s sexual orientation is determined if he has a romantic interest or sexual interest in the same sex. Do you have any of these feelings for Toe?”

  “Doc, as much as I hate to admit it, I have touched myself and fantasized about being with Toe. Not always sexual, but just the thought of being in his company makes me feel good. I remember one time we were hugging, and the hug felt so amazing that I got an erection and had to turn the other way.”

  “OK, I see. Secondly, let’s look at the axis to determine in the same sexual behavior. In order to determine the same sexual behavior there must be some sort of reward that you are getting as a benefit of the sexual activity that you play with Toe. For instance, when you masturbate, do you have an orgasm thinking about Toe sexually?

  “Yeah,” I said, as I dropped my head.

  “Darnell, pick up your head. There’s nothing to be ashamed about. My office and practice is the no-judgment zone; you are safe here. Darnell, look at your environment as a child. You’ve experienced a great deal of trauma from male figures in your life. I am not prepared to give
you a definitive answer today to say that you are gay; however, you may have tendencies that may warrant further investigations; for example, how do you feel about females? Do you desire biological children? Have you considered marriage to a female? If so, then maybe you’re not homosexual but bisexual. Although we have minute scientific information, your sexual orientation is up to you. You determine whom you want to sleep with and who not to sleep with. That is your choice, Darnell.”

  I never thought about liking both sexes. However, I needed to do more research.

  “Darnell, why are you ignoring Toe?” Dr. Blackmon asked.

  “Doc, I don’t want to be gay because I don’t want to go to hell or lose my mom,” I said.

  “Now the truth comes out. I’m sure you’re not going to go to hell for loving someone who God has placed on this Earth. However, I do not get into religious dilemmas. You should be free to love anyone you want. After all, God is love, right?”

  “Yes, sir.”

  “Give your mom a little more credit. Time has evolved, and so has science. Your mother deserves to know how you are thinking and feeling. Based on our numerous conversations, your mother loves you! Practice openness and be honest with yourself. When you do, people will be accepting of you just as you are. It’s too much hard work living life as a pretender, so open up and share your thoughts and feelings. I’m confident good things will happen to you. Also, I think you’re too hard on Toe; after all, he provided you with some good therapy outlets. He got you out of the house. And when you spazzed out two times, he rescued you from both of them. From what you told me about Toe, he is not trying to hurt you, but he is merely trying to be your friend and help you, and that makes a difference. Now, when a person loves you and is actually hurting you, we have a problem.”

  “OK. What do you recommend I should do?”

  “That decision would be yours; however, if it was me, I would call and open the communication lines with Toe.”

  Reluctantly I conceded. Perhaps I was being too hard on Toe and not a good friend, after all. Toe was trying to help me. I just wish he went about it differently.

  “OK, doc, when the time is right, I will reach out to him.”

  “Awesome, is there anything else on your mind that you would like to discuss before our session ends today?”

  “No, sir, not right now, I don’t believe. Thank you so much for listening today.”

  “Well, that concludes our appointment. I’ve scheduled our next meeting for about four weeks.”

  “Four weeks,” I blurted out aloud. “Why so long, Doc?”

  “Darnell, we have talked for forty-five minutes, and for the first time, you didn’t talk about your dad or any of the perpetrators who caused you harm. This session went different than what I had thought. I thought that the therapy sessions were going to be regarding some dreams, night sweats, or that you were having some tremors that you were facing or something that may have massively triggered your PTSD. However, that has not been the case today. We discussed, in-depth, your sexual orientation. And you explore what it is that you would like to experience sexually. Based on your self-reporting, I’ve determined that Toe is helping you with your therapy. Toe is helping you with diminishing your symptoms of PTSD. Plus, he’s teaching you how to use coping skills in the real world.”

  When Doc said the word “teaching,” it ruled out something that I’d told Toe. Toe was teaching me how to love him, and he was demonstrating his love for me by not leaving me and being a friend. He even knew of my PTSD and still remained my friend. Toe had been teaching me all along how to love myself. I didn’t think about that. After all, Toe got me out of the house, turned my focus from being a victim to living life as a survivor. I had Toe to thank for that. However, I still wasn’t ready to make the call because I wanted him to miss me a little more.

  I thought about everything the Doc and I had talked about. What if I am gay? Does it make a big difference? Why would people be concerned with who I share my bedroom? It’s none of their business. This is my life, and I have to live my life the best way to make me happy. Otherwise, I will go through life miserable and living my life for the benefit of others and not for myself. That’s how I would lose myself. That’s how I would learn not to love myself. That’s where the depression would come in self-pity, and resentment would shortly follow – because I was living my life through someone else’s lenses and not necessarily my own. I would be fake to myself. I don’t know how to handle all of this new information right now, but I’m going to continue to process it. In the words of Myrna Summers, “I’m Going to Make It.” At least for today, and as long as I accept me as I am.

  Chapter Fourteen

  Mom noticed a drastic change in my behavior, as I stayed in the house and was not going outside. Most importantly, Mom was concerned about me not interacting with Toe, as she thought I was making tremendous progress in overcoming PTSD. I knew Mom was frustrated, simply because she did not know how to reach her child. I knew Mom must have been feeling unresolved conflict, anger and disappointment because I simply wouldn’t open up to her. How could I open up to her? After all, when I was young, she gave me a whipping for being gay. How could I tell her that a guy kissed me on the mouth? I’m sure she would have been furious. I did not want to awaken the sleeping giant, so I left it alone. However, that did not keep my mom from wondering what was going on with me.

  Mom came into my room and asked me if I wanted to go to dinner because there were some things on her heart that she wanted to discuss. Mom said she noticed that I was back in the house more and wondered if Toe was still around. She hadn’t seen him in over a month, and the telephone calls had decreased drastically. Mom stated that she saw Toe at the corner store, but he didn’t look the same vibrant young kid she met before. I chose my words very carefully, telling her that Toe and I still communicate but not as much as we used to.

  “Why did you all stop calling and talking to each other? Why won’t you answer his calls?” she asked.

  I explained that it was a complicated situation; however, I was extremely confident that our issues would work out in time. “Mom, I’m just working on myself,” I said, deliberately giving a vague answer.

  Mom sensed the pushing back and elected not to pry. I wondered what Mom would say if I informed her that Toe kissed me and I liked it. Plus, I think I’m bisexual. How would that conversation go with her? I’m sure her head would spin around like an exorcism or something. But then again, it would probably piss her off, and she will slap the mess out of me.

  * * *

  We arrived back home just in time for a rerun episode of Good Times. The telephone started ringing, and this time, I was hoping its Toe.

  “Hello,” I said, answering the phone.

  “Hi, is this Darnell?” a lady asked. I became a little alarmed because she talked to me like she knew me. I pulled away from my phone, looked at it with curiosity, put it back up into my ear, and said,

  “Yes ma’am, this is Darnell.”

  “This is Ruth St. James, Toby’s mother. Is your mother available?”

  My heart began to sink as I wondered what she had to talk to Mom about. Was she going to tell Mom that her son had kissed me at the mall, and now I avoided his telephone calls? My heart went into my stomach.

  “Mom, telephone.”

  “Darnell, who is it?”

  “Its Toe’s, mom, Mrs. St. James.”

  Mom looked at me with confusion, and I shrugged, as if I didn’t know what she wanted. Mom came over to the phone and said, “Hello, this is Candice Smith, Darnell’s mom.”

  I could hear the conversation going on as I was standing right there, clinging onto every word that came out of my mother’s mouth. Suddenly, my mother’s facial expressions started to turn, and I noticed a frown on her face, and a troubling and concerned look. She got off the phone and invited me to go into the living room and sit on the couc
h. I knew that something was going on as it seemed like she was holding back tears. Does she know that I’m gay? Is she disappointed in me?

  “Darnell, there’s been an accident. Toe is in the hospital. Would you like to ride with his mother to visit him?”

  Imagining the worst, I asked,” Mom, is he OK?” but I didn’t want to know the answer. I was too scared.

  Mom grabbed my hands and held them very tightly, “Son, yes, he’s OK. Toe has taken some pills, and his mom wants you to go to the hospital to visit with him.”

  “I don’t mind going, Mom, but will you go with me?”

  “Darnell, you don’t need me. You need to get over your fear of being in crowds or being around people you don’t know. I can’t enable your PTSD, son. So, you have to make this decision on your own.”

  I didn’t like what she was saying. However, I knew that it was the right choice and the right decision for me, especially since Dr. Blackmon says I have been making incredible progress. “Yes, tell Mrs. St. James, I am ready now.”

  Within minutes, Mrs. St. James arrived.

  “Hi, Mrs. St. James. I am Darnell Williams,” I said, as I extended my hand for her to shake.

  “We don’t shake hands; we are a hugging family. Hug me,” Mrs. St. James said.

  I hugged her, and we proceeded to drive to the hospital.

  “How is Toe?” I asked.

  “We think he’s going to pull through this OK. However, over the last month, Toe has been depressed. He’s missed practice, his social activities have decreased, and he’s not eating at all.”

  “Wow, these are some classic signs of depression.”

  “Yes, we’ve talked to Toe’s other friends, and they said they don’t know what’s going on. So, I must ask you, do you know why Toe would try to commit suicide?” she asked as her voice shook.

  “Suicide?” Toe, my friend, the basketball jock, had tried to kill himself. It just didn’t make sense to me; the pieces of the puzzle did not fit together. I wondered if me not talking to him made him think about ending his life. I was sure that wasn’t the case; however, the thought did linger in my mind. “No, ma’am, I don’t know.”