As I Am Read online

  “David Jai’s debut novel is . . . a story about overcoming family abuse, finding love, and finally coming to terms with our true selves. There’s so much courage and candor in his writing to admire.”

  — Don Weise, award-winning editor of five national best sellers

  “Jai writes in a way that lets the reader feel everything that happens, hooking the reader until the last emotional minute.”

  — Rebecca Mayglothling, Owner, Roundabout Editing

  “Finally, the wait is over! Thrilling and entertaining, like riding on a long and crazy emotional rollercoaster.”

  — Rico Milan, actor

  “Jai, provides a glimpse into how often individuals are treated that are exploring their sexuality and the mental health challenges faced. This book unmasks the depth of the readers heart to love.”

  — L.C. Girton, MSW, LCSW

  “Authenticity and Grit. It’s an amazing story worthy of accolades and recognition by his peers and audiences. Readers will find themselves wanting more. Bravo!”

  — John P., Head of US Diversity and Inclusion, Banking/Financial Industry

  As I Am

  A NOVEL

  David B. Jai

  Just Me Media Group LLC

  Just Me Media Group LLC

  312 S. 4th Street, Suite 700

  Louisville, KY 40202

  As I Am, A Novel

  Copyright © 2021 by David B. Jai

  This book is a work of fiction. Names, characters, businesses, organizations, places, events and incidents are products of the author’s imagination or used fictitiously. Any resemblance to actual events, locals or persons, living or dead or events are entirely coincidental.

  All rights reserved, including the right to reproduce this book or portions thereof in any form whatsoever. For information address Just Me Meida Group LLC, 312 S. 4th Street, Suite 700, Louisville Ky 40202.

  Just Me Media Group LLC trade paperback edition March 2021

  For information about special discounts for bulk purchases, please contact Sales at [email protected].

  Cover Art Design: Rebecca Covers via Fiverr.com

  Cover Photo Credit: M-imagephotography

  Edited by Donald Weise, Rob Bignell and Rebecca Mayglothling

  Interior Design and Layout: Sandra Jurca

  Cover Model: Individuals pictured are models and are used for illustrative purposes only. There is no affiliation with the model and the contents of this book.

  Publisher’s Cataloging-in-Publication data

  Names: Jai, David B., author.

  Title: As I Am : A Novel / David B. Jai.

  Description: Louisville, KY: Just Me Media Group, LLC, 2021.

  Identifiers: LCCN: 2021902660 | ISBN: 978-1-7365109-0-2 (hardcover) |

  978-1-7365109-1-9 (paperback) | 978-1-7365109-2-6 (ebook)

  Subjects: LCSH Gay men—Fiction. | Family—Fiction. | High School—Fiction. |

  African American gay men—Fiction. | Post-traumatic stress disorder—Fiction. |

  Bildungsroman.| Love stories. | BISAC YOUNG ADULT FICTION / LGBTQ+ |

  YOUNG ADULT FICTION / People & Places / United States / African American & Black | YOUNG ADULT FICTION / Romance / LGBTQ+

  Classification: LCC PS3610.A3724 A85 2021 | DDC 813.6—dc23

  Never silence yourself

  for the comfort of others.

  –Unknown

  In Loving Memory

  Irene “G-Ma” Chandler

  Fred “Paw-Paw” Chandler

  Aaron Christopher Johnson

  Denzel D. Jenkins

  Dedication

  This book is dedicated to memory of Giovanni Melton, who was murdered by his dad for being gay, and to all others who face(d) violence or rejection but mustered the strength and courage to live, “As I Am.”

  Acknowledgments

  First, I want to thank to my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ for allowing me to write this novel. I didn’t understand the pain, trauma and loss at the time, however, now I do, and I am grateful.

  Writing this novel was harder than I could’ve imagined. This journey caused me to spend numerous nights awake and talking on the phone for consolation and guidance. However, penning and telling this story would not have been possible without the strength and tenacity of my village.

  To my mom and two beautiful children, who never judged me but loved me inspite of my flaws. Always showing me the true meaning of unconditional love, thank you! You are the best mom and children a son/dad could ever hope for! You are the wind beneath my wings, and I am forever grateful.

  To my stepdad, and brother, who stood by me during my struggles, successes, and failures, thank you!

  To Rev. Natt “Pops” Williams and the WTJZ Radio Prayer Partners, thank you for your love, and inspiration. Thank you for introducing me to Christ and always encouraging me along my journey.

  I owe an enormous amount of gratitude to ‘David’s Angels’, those individuals who stood beside me during the most difficult time in my life. They did not abandon me but walked with me through my trials and tribulations, carrying me along the way. Thank you Anthony M. Smith, John P., Raymond V. Smith Jr., Smith, Nadine Walker, Cathy Morgan, Jeremy Hudson, Marissa Miller and Pastors John and Lady Girton. To my surrogate parents, Bishop and Dr. R. Lambert, thank you for showing me the true meaning of family really and never giving up on me!

  To those individuals who read endless drafts of this novel for understanding and clarity, without knowing my struggles, Chad Williams, Troy G., and Eli, a big thank you! To actor, Rico Milan, thanks and I can’t wait for your next series. To Melody McGuire, thank you for involking the no judgement zone and being the first person to purchase this novel. Now it’s your turn. Ms. Pam Reason, thank you for the meals and laughter! Patrick Bouquett, AKA, Mr. Fab, thanks for the many, many years of solid friendship.

  Thank you to all the editors who helped me develop the characters and proofreading. To the editors, Donald Weise, you are amazing. Rob Bignell, thank you for assisting me with the revisions. Andrae Smith. man you have a terrific way with words. Finally, to Rebecca Mayglothinburg, wow, I am delighted that you truly grasped the concepts of the novel and at times, felt my pains. You validated this novel in so many ways, so thank you a million times over. Get ready for part two!

  To everyone who has helped me shape this novel or contributed to my life, thank you! If I left out anyone, please forgive me, as you know my heart. However, here is a special, “Thank you,” to all of you.

  Finally, I will leave you with my motto, “No matter where you find yourself in life, just know that God will come through. So, hold on, help is on the way.”

  Eternally grateful,

  David B. Jai

  Chapter One

  At six o’clock, Saturday morning, I was awake. I should have been asleep, but I was embraced by the isolation and stillness of my bedroom thinking, Am I gay and worthy of love? As I lie on my back with my hands intertwined behind me, cradling my head, as if it were a pillow, I began thinking about my dad and how I desired a relationship with him. I wanted to have a conversation with my older brother Robbie Jr. since he’s dad’s favorite, but he was fast asleep. Restless, I rolled over to my side and watched him sleep, observing the stillness of his body. I could only speculate that Robbie was enjoying the peacefulness and satiety of his rest.

  “I wonder if he’s dreaming,” I pondered.

  At times, I wish I were Robbie. He is two years older than me; I’m ten years old and he’s twelve. Robbie is athletic, outgoing, and my dad loves him more than me. Sometimes dad calls me names like fag, ­faggot, gay or even stupid
, but I am far from being a dummy – perhaps naively optimistic, but certainly not stupid. Maybe, I am a fag or gay, but he’s my dad and he’s supposed to love me no matter what, right? Maybe he liked Robbie better because they shared the same name, looked like each other, or maybe it was because they both like to play football and watch a lot of sports on TV. I didn’t like all that sports stuff anyway. Who likes watching men run up and down a field carrying a football and jumping up and down like kangaroos? I had better things to do, as I had dreams and aspirations of becoming a singing star like Diana Ross or Aretha Franklin. However, at times, I felt trapped in my skin, kind of like the real me was trying to break free but was hindered by my parents telling me that boys don’t do this or that.

  Everyone thought I was a sissy or a girly-boy. Dad said, “You need to act more like a man,” but when I asked him how, he told me to ask my brother. Other guys didn’t let me play with them because I acted too girlish, or I walked with a twist in my step. Instead of having friends, I lived alone in my own fantasy world where all my dreams come true.

  Having no relationship with dad, I spent most of my time with my mom, Candance, cooking, cleaning, or grocery shopping. Dad thought we spent too much time together, but since he refused to spend time with me, so Mom had to be both parents. I wished that I could be loved and accepted by my dad, like Robbie, because I wanted my dad to love and be proud of me, but he basically refused. I thought about doing something special to impress him. Christmas was only a few weeks away, so maybe I could make him a nice Christmas present.

  Suddenly, my thoughts were interrupted by Mom yelling from the living room, “Robbie and Darnell wake up! It’s time to go get a Christmas tree.”

  “Robbie, Robbie, wake up,’’ I said with a burst of energy.

  There was no response. I was still full of joy because, occasionally, when we got a Christmas tree, we get to tell Mom and Dad what we want for Christmas.

  “Robbie, Robbie . . .” I said again, but he continued to lay there with his eyes closed, though I could see a faint smirk on his face.

  Knowing that he was half awake, I began singing Jingle Bells loudly to annoy him.

  “Cut it out,” Robbie said as he threw a pillow at me.

  Amazingly, I managed to duck and continued singing without missing a beat.

  “Darnell, if you don’t stop, tonight when you’re sleeping, I’m going to open all the windows and make you sleep in the cold.”

  I said to myself, Robbie loves to sleep in the extreme cold, and I like to be warm.

  “OK, I’ll stop,” I said, conceding as Robbie fell back to sleep.

  Thinking of something to do, I headed back to my bed, got down on my knees, and reached under my bed and retrieved my special little secret shoebox. Not quite reaching it, I lie on my stomach, stretching until I could touch the corners. Finally, I grabbed it. The dark blue box had the name, “Chuck Taylor” on it. This was a box I kept when mom purchased my first pair of Converse sneakers. Slowly, I opened the box as if it was a treasure inside. Gently, I lift the top off, and there they were, mom’s red high heel shoes and a tube of Red #2 lipstick that she’d been trying to locate for months. I pulled the box to my chest, securing it tightly, got off my knees, and quietly walked to the bedroom door. I was careful not to wake up Robbie again. When I got to the door, I cracked it just a little bit to ensure no one was around, because if Mom saw me with her shoes, I would get a whipping. Then swiftly, I made a mad dash to the bathroom.

  Turning on the lights, I placed the box on the sink while I reached next to the bathtub to retrieve a black stepping stool. Being ten years old, I was not quite tall enough to see myself in the mirror, but I had ways of making sure I could see what I was doing.

  I put on Mom’s red shoes, and although they were too big for my feet, they looked beautiful. As I stood up, my toes slid to the front of the shoes, and my heels were in the air as if they were on a sliding board. I hopped on the footstool and looked at myself in the mirror. I grabbed the red lipstick and put it on my lips just like I saw Mom do! Tracing around the edges of my lips but being oh so careful. Then the final touches, one big pucker. “Perfect,” I said to myself as I was entrenched by my looks in the mirror. I exhaled saying, “Mirror, mirror on the wall, who’s the fairest of them all?” I began laughing as I started to feel free. Like G-Ma says, “I am free to be who I am, and if no one in the world accepts me, then I would just have to accept myself.”

  “You don’t have to listen to anyone, you can be whoever you want to be,” I said to myself.

  “Robert and Darnell, come here,” Mom said from the kitchen. Fantasy time was over, and I thought I better see what she wants. Heaven forbid if she burst through the bathroom door and saw me in her makeup and clothes. I would really get a whipping and a punishment that could last for months.

  “Coming Mom,” I yelled while in a rush. I put her high heels back under my bed along with the lipstick and wiped my lips. Running to the kitchen, “Yes Ma’am?”

  I looked around and noticed that I’d beaten Robbie. I began to smile thinking, finally I beat him in something.

  Mom turned my direction and looked directly in my eyes, “Darnell, what have you done to your face?” Mom said curiously as she walked closer to me, inspecting my face. Suddenly, she grabbed me. “Why are your lips red?” From the tone of her voice, if I told her the truth, I would get a whipping; nonetheless, I shrugged, signifying that I didn’t know. Deep down on the inside, Mom knew that I had been playing in her lipstick, but she didn’t say anything.

  “Darnell, take your black ass in the bathroom and wipe off your face. You look like Flip Wilson,” she said while turning her back on me.

  I quickly entered the bathroom, got back on the stool, and look in the mirror. I saw where I had smeared the lipstick over the right portion of my face. It looked like I had tried to smile, but it was crooked. Oh, my gosh! I said to myself, look at you, you look a mess. I began to wipe my face and got out the Ivory soap to make sure it was gone. Then I ran back into the kitchen.

  “Darnell, we are going to talk about you playing in my damn makeup a little later, but for right now, since it’s almost Christmas, I am going to the grocery store and pick up a Christmas tree.”

  Full of excitement, Robbie and I started jumping and shouting, “Yay!” We looked at each other and gave high-fives.

  “Now, your dad will be home in a couple of hours, so I want you to tell him what you want for Christmas, “ Mom said, smiling. “Robbie, go upstairs and get the decorations out of the Christmas box and start decorating. This is going to be a great Christmas.”

  Mom left the house and Robbie gazed at me. “Darnell, you have to stop playing in mom’s clothes and makeup. You are going to get in big trouble.”

  “I know, Robbie, I can’t help it, I like the way it makes me feel. Plus, I can live in my own fantasy world and become anyone who I want to be, right? At least that’s what G-Ma says.”

  “Darnell, boys don’t wear women’s clothes and wear makeup.”

  “I know, but can’t I at least pretend? After all, it’s just for fun,” I said, suppressing my feelings.

  “Just don’t let dad catch you,” Robbie said, warning me once again.

  “I won’t!” I exclaimed.

  Mom said Dad is a man’s man, a straight alpha male. He stood about six feet two inches tall, muscular, light brown complexion, thin mustache with rough hands. I thought he would not like to see his ten-year-old son dressed in makeup. But then again, maybe he would. Perhaps Robbie is jealous and doesn’t have a special fantasy time like I do. Afterall, Dad said I’m gay so I’m sure he knows.

  We walked upstairs to the attic and located the box marked “Christmas.” It was dusty and had cobwebs around it, but it was boxed the same way we’d left it last year. Together we picked up the box and took it downstairs to the living room. One by one, we started to pull ou
t the long streams of lights. I decided to plug them in to replace any light bulbs and to make sure they all worked. Once the task was completed, Robbie and I walked outside to start hanging the lights.

  The weather was cold outside, about twenty-three degrees Fahrenheit. The ranch-style house was easy to decorate because we left the nails in the window seals from the previous Christmas. Robbie and I worked as a team! He got on the ladder, and I handed him the lights. We continued this pattern until we were done with the window seal. We managed to decorate four windows as well as the two tall white pillars supporting the porch.

  After an hour of decorating, Mom drove up with a big pine Christmas tree sticking out of the trunk. This is the most prominent and prettiest tree I had ever seen. I began to smile inwardly and thought about how lovely the tree was going to look decorated. As Mom pulled in the driveway, Dad pulled up as well.

  “Hey boys, the lights look nice,” Dad said, giving his approval.

  “Robbie, come and help me with the tree!” Dad yelled.

  I wanted to help, but Dad didn’t call my name, so I continued messing with the lights. Once the tree was in the house, Mom called me in to begin decorating the tree. We opened the dusty boxes and began to decorate the tree in green and gold garland, then the light bulbs, then the streaming silver ice cycles, and finally the lights.

  “Darnell, why don’t you add the angel on the tree this year?” Dad asked.

  I was amazed that I get to put the final touches on the tree. Typically, my Dad does it, but last year he allowed Robbie to crown the tree with the angel. This year, it was my turn. I got up on the ladder and headed to the top of the tree. Being on top is how I felt internally as well. I am with my family, safe, secure, a beautiful tree, and I’ve got the honor of putting on the final piece. I felt amazing. Carefully, I positioned the angel on top and then crawled down from the ladder. We lit the tree, and it looked awesome. It looked like a tree that may have come from a magazine, billboard or something. I was incredibly proud and honored.