As I Am Read online

  “Bro, you OK?” Toe asked. “I’ve been talking, and you haven’t said anything. Why are you sweating?”

  Toe seemed to notice that I had something on my mind. I could hear him talking, but I still remained quiet, and my inner voices continued to rage.

  “Yo, Darnell, what’s wrong?”

  I still didn’t respond.

  Toe, pressing forward, reached over and touched me on my leg and started to shake me. “Darnell, Darnell!”

  I immediately jumped, and without provocation, I balled my fist and punched him in the mouth. I struck him so hard that his lip immediately cracked and started bleeding.

  “What the fuck, bro!” Toe said in pain.

  The tone of his voice caused me to snap out of my trance. Looking around, I realized what I had done. “Toe! I’m so sorry!”

  “Bro, I should fuck you up!” Toe growled.

  “No, no, don’t bro. I have something to tell you,” I said, putting my hands up in a defensive manner, trying to diffuse the situation.

  Toe was not having any part of it. He became furious, wiping blood from his upper lip. “Man, I’m going to beat your ass,” he said, making room in the car to swing at me.

  “Toe, I’m scared!” I yelled.

  “Huh?”

  “When I was younger, my father tried to kill me, and he brought me to this mall, and now my mind is bombarded with negative memories. I got away, he’s in prison now, but in large crowds, I have fears that he will pop up and try to kill me again.” I began to cry. “I’ve been going to a therapist. He said that I was doing better, but obviously, I’m not. Hell, I just attacked you for nothing. Further, this is my first time at the mall by myself without my mother or another family member. I am scared, bro, I am terrified.” As I started to sob out loud tears flowed down my face like a waterfall.

  “Darnell, why didn’t you tell me that before?” Toe asked, softening his position.

  “Toe, I thought that I had it all under control. This is the first outburst I’ve had in years.”

  “Damn, you fucked up my lip, man, but Darnell, I want you to rest assured that I will not let anything happen to you in my presence. What your dad did many years ago was awful, and I’m sorry that happened to you.”

  I nodded.

  “No, look at me, Darnell, dammit! Look at me in the eyes, and I want you to understand what I am telling you. I will not allow anything to happen to you in my presence. I would lay down my life for you, bro. You got to trust that, and you have to believe what I am saying to you. Because it is true.”

  Toe reached over and touched my thigh again. This time I did not have a reaction but was comforted. It was something about his gentle touch that made all of my anxieties disappear. I buried my head in his shoulder, crying. I was no longer worried about what could happen. I felt safe and secure in his presence. I knew that the words that he was saying were valid, as I gazed deep into his soul to see that what he was saying was absolutely correct. In Toe’s eyes, I found validation, support, encouragement, and strength. My inner voice was saying he is authentic, and I could trust him.

  “Look, Darnell, I’m not trying to put more on you than what you can handle, so maybe we can skip the mall, you don’t have to do this today. Whenever you feel comfortable, I would like to be here with you. I would like to hear the story between you and your dad,” Toe said.

  I leaned back into the seat, took a deep breath, exhaled, and released all of my stress, pains, and anxiety. I summoned up the strength to enter the mall. After all, I’d come this far, so no need to turn back now.

  “You ready, bro?” I asked Toe

  “Are you sure, bro?” Toe asked.

  “Yes, I am sure, just make sure you stay beside me, and I will be OK. It’s time to grow up and stop running when no one is really chasing me,” I said, developing more confidence.

  We exited the vehicle, and Toe walked right next to me, not allowing me to get out of arm’s reach.

  “I got you, bro. We can turn around anytime you like,” Toe said, as he was securing my insecurities.

  While walking to the mall, we spotted a store called Express Men Store for Men.. I had been to this mall a dozen times with my family and never really paid attention to this store. Express is a small store, and I thought Toe was taking baby steps because maybe he realized that putting me in a crowd suddenly might trigger my fears.

  We walked into the store, and maybe five to ten people were inside. This was fine with me. It was apparent that Toe was familiar with this place because the cashier called him by name as soon as he made it through the door.

  “Yo, Toe, what’s up? You ready for the basketball season?” the cashier said.

  “Yeah, man! We’re going to crush them this year,” Toe said as he smiled and showed those pearly white teeth.

  “I got my money on you, man! So what brings you in here today?” the cashier asked.

  “I’m just chilling with my boy Darnell. He needs a few things. Maybe a couple pairs of pants and shirts,” Toe said.

  “Alright, Darnell, you probably wear a size thirty-two-inch pants and a forty-one size shirt, right?” the cashier asked.

  “Yeah, that’s my size,” I said, trying not to engage the cashier in conversation.

  The cashier walked away and left Toe and me standing to the side while he went to pick out some clothes. I did not engage Toe in any conversation because I felt awful about hitting him in the car.

  The cashier returned. “Here are some threads I think that you would look amazing in. You would turn all the heads, child.” The cashier handed me a pair of pants and a shirt.

  “Plus, you got a nice body too!” he said, grinning.

  Toe got jumpy. “All right, all right, enough of that. Darnell, try them on and see if they fit.”

  The cashier kept staring and smiling. Toe, seeing the looks on the cashier’s face, said, “Man, enough of that, don’t you have other customers to attend to?”

  “The dressing rooms are over there, holla if you need anything, and I do mean anything,” the cashier said while pointing in the direction of the dressing room and dragging out the word anything.

  “Man, stop it!” Toe said, smiling. I had no clue what they were talking about, but I proceeded to the dressing room.

  “Darnell, I am going to be waiting for you on the outside of the door,” Toe said.

  “That’s cool! Just make sure you talk to me or say something so I can hear your voice.”

  “That’s cool!”

  Toe winked at me, and I smiled as I proceeded to the dressing room to try on my new clothes.

  In the dressing room, I was thankful to God for having a new friend like Toe. I had shared with Toe the controversy I had with my father, and Toe was still in my life. Perhaps this friendship could last a lifetime.

  “Darnell, are you good in there??” Toe asked, checking on me.

  “Yeah, I’m good, man. I’m going to come out and show you this outfit. It’s not my type, but I don’t know, I’ll follow your judgment.”

  “All right, bro, I’m right here.”

  I came out in a lovely linen shirt and fitted tight dark blue jeans. I thought that the clothes made my ass look extremely big, but it was not my style. I liked my clothes to fit loosely, but I guessed this was the current style.

  Coming out of the dressing room, I immediately noticed Toe’s facial expression. His eyes started to get big.

  “Damn, my guy!” the cashier said. Somehow he managed to make it from the opposite side of the store to where I was. Toe re­mained quiet.

  “What’s wrong? They are too tight, right?” I asked

  “Dude, you look like a million dollars, bro. I just didn’t know you had all of that,” Toe said, smiling.

  I wondered what he was going to say, but I was concerned about being in these tight clothes.
What would my mom say, and poor G-Ma will probably have a massive heart attack or something.

  “Bro, I don’t know. It’s not my style,” I said.

  “Man, look at you,” Toe said, as he walked me to the nearest mirror while smiling from ear-to-ear. “See bro, this is what you need. These clothes show off your chest, your six-pack, your massive thighs and your glutes. Bro, you are killing it.”

  I noticed the cashier in the mirror walking by, giving me two thumbs up and smiling, showing all his teeth.

  Feeling embarrassed because I was getting so much attention, I conceded, decided to take a chance, and purchase the clothes. I went back into the dressing room, got undressed, and came out with the clothes folded in my arms.

  “Well, Darnell, are you going to purchase these wonderful clothes?” the cashier asked.

  “Yeah, I’ll take them,” I told the cashier.

  “Good choice!”

  We walked up to the cash register, and the cashier started ringing up my clothes.

  “So, where do you hang at, Darnell?” the cashier asked as he started to make small talk. I’ve never met the guy before, and he doesn’t know me from Adam, I thought to myself.

  “He hangs with me twenty-four-seven,” Toe said, chiming in.

  “Well, can I hang with the both of you? I need friends too?” the cashier said submissively.

  “Naw, bro. It’s not that type of party!” Toe said.

  “Damn, if it ever is that type of party, then please let me know.”

  “How much do we owe you? And you better give us your discount,” Toe said, smiling.

  “The total for today is $85.72. Will that be a cash, check, or charge?”

  “Charge,” I said.

  “Wait a minute,” Toe said, as he made a mad dash toward the front of the store. He came back with a basketball jersey. It was made of nylon and was blue and white. The jersey had no name on it of any team, but it had the number forty-seven on the front and on the back in big white numbers. He gave the jersey to the cashier. The cashier started to smile.

  “Now, how much?” Toe asks.

  “The total is $126.87”, the cashier said after he had rung up the jersey.

  I handed him my charge card, but Toe pulled out his and insisted that he pay for my items.

  “I got you, bro,” Toe said.

  “Thank you; that’s a wonderful gesture, honestly, but I do have it.”

  “Darnell, let me do something nice for you,” Toe said, smiling.

  No matter what I said, Toe would not rescind. Then I remembered G-Ma’s words, “If someone wants to bless you, then you should take it. If you turn down the blessing, God may not bless you like that again.” With that, I allowed Toe to purchase my outfit. I was all smiles because no one had ever been this kind to me except for my mother.

  “Thanks, Toe,” I chirped.

  “No problem, bro. I just like to see you happy!”

  My heart was overjoyed because Toe finally could be the best answers to my prayers. Did God send him to me? Is a man or male figure finally accepting me? He knew about the dilemma with my dad and still accepted me for who I am. After all, we did play basketball together, and he canceled being with his girl Rochelle to hang out with me. He’s protecting me, and now he’s buying me things. I feel amazing, like I’m falling in love with Toe, but I’m not gay. Indeed, I knew that he was not gay, especially with all the girls that were around him. However, I would love to play my game with him.

  “Darnell, let’s go get something to eat in the food court?” Toe said.

  “That sounds good to me.” I retrieved the receipt from the cashier and left the store.

  Suddenly, a large crowd started gathering around Toe and me. Toe looked at me and realized that I was afraid. He played like he said something funny in my ear or perhaps a joke and grabbed me, and put his arms around my neck, pulling me close to him. Toe’s hugging me bought me out of my potential trance. Leaning over, he whispered in my ear. “Darnell, stay next to me. I got you, bro. Nothing is going to happen to you.”

  Again, I felt comforted. People asked Toe about the basketball season and how they can get free tickets to the ball game. All kinds of people were pressing up to Toe, mostly young kids from high school. There were a few older people in the crowd trying to get on the excitement as well. Toe was like a celebrity in a small city, and everyone seemed to know who he was.

  One girl broke through the crowd and up to where Toe and I were standing. She asked Toe if he could take her to the prom.

  Harshly, Toe said, “Hell no.” Everyone started laughing. But I saw the girl’s face and could tell that she was extremely hurt by the words that Toe has spoken to her. I did not laugh, but I nodded at her and shook my head to tell her that things would be OK. She started to cry, buried her face in her hands, and walked away. Her friend ran after her. I felt awful for her.

  “Look, I would love to chat, but my guy Darnell is hungry, and I promised to get him something to eat.”

  I realized that Toe played basketball, but I had no idea he was the town’s star. Toe was pretty modest and refused to allow his athletic success go to his head. Toe hugged me and grab me by the neck, and we started walking toward the food court.

  The food court was packed, and I felt a little shaky due to the size of the crowd.

  “Yo, bro, what do you want to eat?” Toe asks.

  “Man, I’m not a picky eater, so some China Express sounds good.”

  “All right, cool. Let’s grab a table, and then we’ll go grab some grub.”

  “Toe, thanks for everything, man. I can wait at the table to hold it down while you go get the food.”

  “Bro, are you sure?” Toe said, confirming.

  “Yeah, man, you’re just a few feet away just in case I start spazzing out or something.”

  “All right, bet.”

  Toe went to the counter, and I looked at the crowd, feeling proud. I started to smile because of my accomplishments today. I could hardly wait for my next session with Dr. Blackmon. He would be in total awe. I felt excited and could finally agree with Dr. Blackmon that I was finally on the right track to recovery. It had been a long road, but I thought I was finally there!

  While sitting at the table, there were mobs around Toe, but he never lost eye contact with me. Again, I was comforted as I sat at the table, reflecting on the day’s events.

  “Darnell, is that you?” an unfamiliar female voice said. Surely this person isn’t talking to me because I don’t know anyone, especially a young female.

  “Darnell, is that you?” I heard the girly voice again. This time I turned around and noticed that it was Theresa from the park.

  “Wow, hello, Theresa. How are you doing today?” I said with a big smile.

  “I’ve been doing OK. It’s just that I’ve never given my number to a guy who he didn’t call me,” she said sarcastically.

  Playing the situation off, I said, “I’m sorry. I misplaced it. Can I please have it again?”

  “Sure, but this time, I’m going to write it in the middle of your hand so that you don’t lose it.”

  Theresa opened her purse and took out an ink pen. I looked at Toe still standing in line. To my amazement, his eyes were dead on me. It seemed like he was frowning, but I couldn’t tell if he was in conversation with other people while looking at me. I nodded, giving him the what’s up signal. We smiled.

  “Darnell, let me see your palm? Theresa said.

  “Oh, you are serious about writing your number in the palm of my hand,” I laughed.

  “Yes, of course. Surely you didn’t think I was playing, right?”

  I didn’t know what to think, actually. I opened up my hand, and Theresa started to write her telephone number in the palm of my hand. The sensations of the pen hitting my nerves tickle so bad that I got an erection. I tri
ed thinking about something else, but the more she wrote, the bigger my little man got. Finally, she stopped, and I exhaled.

  “So, now you are without an excuse, Mr. Darnell.”

  “Excuse for what?” Toe said, walking up with food, butting in into our conversation and smiling as always.

  “Your boy Darnell lost my number, so I wrote it in the palm of his hand so that he wouldn’t lose it again,” Theresa said.

  I smiled, and Toe smiled as well.

  “Well, I’m going to let you all eat your food before it gets cold,” Theresa said.

  “You can join us if you like,” I said, inviting her to eat.

  “Darnell, Theresa’s busy,” Toe said. “She doesn’t want to sit around here with us.”

  Theresa picked up on Toe’s hint to leave. “I’m not hungry, but thank you. You better call me Darnell!”

  “I got you, Theresa!” I said, grinning from ear-to-ear.

  “Hey, Theresa, let me rap to you real quick,” Toe said as he started walking in her direction.

  “Sure, Darnell, I will chat with you later!” Theresa said, as she and Toe walked to another table, not too far from me. I wondered what they were talking about. Toe was probably telling Theresa to be more careful with something or maybe even me. I thought about how good of a day it was.

  Bang, bang, bang!

  “He’s got a gun!” someone yelled in the crowd.

  I heard what sounded like firecrackers, but then again, it seemed like the double barrel on my dad’s shotgun. People started running, knocking over tables and chairs. I froze in place, thinking that it was my dad. He’s coming to kill me. I was paralyzed and left alone. I wanted anyone to comfort me, but no one was there. I was there in a trance. Suddenly out of nowhere, Toe appeared, grabbed me by the arm, and pushed me toward the ladies’ bathroom. Once inside, he found an empty stall.